A Poem from the Past

So in my vlog Sunday, I talked about my life journals and how I will look back to them to find God's voice, when I feel like he is so far away. In looking for something to post, I came across this poem. I remember that when I wrote this poem, life was hard. School was getting to me and it felt like my life was falling apart. That lead me to fall on my knees and just surrendered.

I found this poem in a time where it is the first week of classes and I already feel like I am drowning and life has gone so wrong. One of my external hard drives has crashed. I spent over 300 hundred dollars in books. I have more reading and writing than I expected, and the projects this semester require more of me than it did last semester. On top of that I some how have a social life that I don't want to abandoned. I also still want sleep. Just sitting here writing this, I can't survive this next week, let alone the rest of the semester.

But then I find this little gem.

I look up.

Everywhere I look I see

Red.

Weapons surround me.

The opponent,

Stronger than a pack of lions.

Me.

All by myself.

No weapons,

No one to back me up.

But I have to fight,

For I can’t afford to lose.

The opponent knows well my weaknesses.

They bury me in ten feet of homework.

They yell worthless every time I miss a ball on the field.

They whisper that I will never be as good as anyone I look up to.

They stress me out to the point where I make myself sick.

But I can’t give in.

I fight and fight

But for every step forward,

I take ten steps back.

I back up farther and farther,

Until I am in a corner, stuck

But I continue to fight.

The opponent feeds on my fear.

They get stronger while I get weaker.

I am losing everything I have.

But I keep going and going

And going and

Going,

Until

I SURRENDER!

But then everything stops,

I see a hand reach down.

I look at the face of my savior.

“Take my hand” he says.

I take his hand.

We land in a nice clearing.

“What took you so long to surrender?”

“Why didn’t you step in sooner?” I ask

“I would have but you were stuck in your ways.

You were persistent in fighting this battle.

But don’t you know I have already won the war?”

I now feel guilty.

I can’t do this all by myself.

I look up to see him fading.

“Wait what if I need you again?”

He smiles and says,

“For I am always with you.

All you need to do is surrender.”

And with that he was gone,

But I felt him closer than ever.

I surrender.

God's timing on this couldn't be more perfect. I was totally prepared to fight tooth and nail through this whole semester. But I don't have to fight. God is way more capable than me on dealing with life, so instead of fighting, I think I am going to try and lay this, all of this crazy mess that I have gotten myself into, at his feet and let him worry, and stress, and care the weight of my homework and assignments, because I can't.

I don't know if this was really a post for you, or more of a post for me to stop and reflect on surrendering to God. Either way, I hope this encouraged you to write, draw, or just get on paper how God is moving in your life now, because one day it may be useful in reminding you what God is truly capable of, and that he is still with you speaking into your life.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for speaking into my life. Help me to listen for your voice no matter how small. Lord, I surrender all that is going on in my life to you, because I know that you are going to be what guides me through the semester.  Thank you Lord for always being with me. Amen.